


Dear Me

by YeolsTruly



Series: NCT Shenanigans [7]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan Is The Sun, M/M, Mental Instability, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Sad Mark Lee (NCT), chat fic, love yourself, personal struggles, psychiatric help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25840915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YeolsTruly/pseuds/YeolsTruly
Summary: Mark needs someone to talk to--- as in right now. Leaving no choice, he decides to message the National Mental Health Crisis page.He was glad he did it.Sad! Mark, Psychologist! Donghyuk#ALWAYSCHECKYOURMENTALHEALTHTitle is inspired by Taeyeon's song 'Dear Me'!
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Series: NCT Shenanigans [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678876
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	Dear Me

**Author's Note:**

> I cried while doing this.
> 
> This is based on my personal experiences, and I wrote this out of the whim. To those that will be reading this, always remember to prioritize your mental health.
> 
> I don't know if this applies to your home country, but here in my place we can contact the NMH Hotline if we need someone to talk to. There are times that not even your friends or family will hear you out so these psychologists and psychiatrists will listen to you and provide the comfort you need.
> 
> Always keep safe, okay?
> 
> P.S - Donghyuk is a bit unprofessional here, since he's really trying his best to comfort Mark here.

**_-National Mental Health Crisis is now online-_ **

**Mark Lee:** Uh… Hello? Is anyone here?

My friend told me that I can message to this page if I need psychiatric help

Just trying if someone would really reply to me or nah

Please reply I'm really desperate I need someone to talk to

**NMH:** Hello, you are now directly contacting with the National Mental Health Crisis Page.

I am Lee Donghyuk, one of the professional psychologists who work for the aforementioned institution. What can I do for you today, sir?

**Mark Lee:** Oh, hi.

Thank God

I thought this was a scam

So yeah, thanks for responding.

**NMH:** No problem, sir.

If you have something to share about your problems, I’m all ears.

No need to feel intimidated or reserved. We both don’t know each other’s identities so feel free to talk to me as if we’re old buddies.

**Mark:** Uh yeah

About that

Can you speak a little bit… I dunno, informal?

You sound so uptight, no offense

**NMH:** Of course, if that’s what you want.

Mark, right? How’s your day, buddy? 😁

Like what I’ve said earlier, the name’s Donghyuk.

Having a bad day?

**Mark:** Pretty much

I just wanted someone to talk to

Can I do that?

**NMH:** Absolutely

I’m here, remember?

I’ll listen to everything you’ll say. No sweat 😁

**Mark:** Thanks, I guess?

So I know this might sound weird

But have you ever felt of being suffocated from all the things you’ve been experiencing all through your life?

Cuz that’s what I feel right now

I feel like shit. Sometimes I would feel extremely happy then after a couple of minutes I’ll feel really down

Like _reaaaally_ down

You know what I’m saying?

**NMH:** I exactly got your point, Mark-ssi.

Do you mind explaining the root of your apprehensions?

**Mark:** Uh sure

I’m stuck with my parents since the day I was born

Honestly speaking I ain’t close with them since I’m a middle child

Growing up I became so reserved and insecure with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I excel in school and even got few friends

It’s just… Things has been really rough for me especially when I grew older

Teenage life is hell and I started to question myself, _‘Who am I? I don’t even know what to feel to myself anymore.’_

From time to time, I’ll become so afraid to voice out my emotions, and I always feel like everyone will judge me from whatever I’ll say

Call me crazy, but I feel like there’s a pair of eyes looking and scrutinizing me 24/7

No joke

**NMH:** That’s tough, Mark, but can you be more specific with me?

I can sense that you are still holding yourself from saying things that you are so afraid to resurface from the back of your mind.

It’s totally fine if you don’t want to say them yet but I will really appreciate it if you do.

**Mark Lee:** R u pressuring me?

Cuz you sound like ur pressuring me

**NMH:** Of course not!

Buddy, I’m so sorry for making you feel uncomfortable! 😢 Please excuse my behavior!

**Mark Lee:** Nah

It’s okay

Ur right

…

Is it really okay to tell you everything?

**NMH:** It’s up to you, Mark.

You’re the one to decide, and I’ll just listen since I think that’s what you needed the most.

If you want a feedback afterwards, I won’t hesitate to tell you my response.

I’m here, okay?

I know it’s hard to trust someone you just met, but you can rely on me.

I’m saying this not as a professional psychologist but as a human being too.

**Mark Lee:** Now you sound so convincing

Alright

I guess it won’t hurt, huh?

Just a warning though. This will be totally rowdy and confusing

There’s actually a lot of things, but I guess I’ll start with the this.

I’m bisexual, and God knows I never wanted to tell to my parents cuz knowing them, they’ll just get disappointed

They’re a bit traditional and very religious, so I really felt horrible to myself

It took a lot of me to admit to myself… Maybe four years, I guess?

I started having weird feelings with a guy as early as when I was in sixth grade

I thought I was just imagining things since I still find girls really attractive but no, my attraction to the same sex pursued as I moved middle school up to high school.

Since that, I became more open to myself but I never told my darkest secret to anyone but to my two best buddies

So yeah, that’s the first one.

**NMH:** Mark, I’m so proud of you when you mentioned that you finally accepted who you are.

That’s a first step, accepting yourself! You should be proud, for you finally given yourself a recognition you deserve!

That’s only the first step, though. I’m afraid to say this, but we cannot force everyone to accept who we are, this includes even our parents.

Remember that self-love is a must, okay? Never feel down just because your sexuality isn’t fit to the established norms that our ancestors have set. After all, our sexual preferences do not entirely affect on how we’ll live as humans. At the end of the day, it is our own virtues that will solely reflect upon us.

It is your own decision whether you’ll confess or not. Whatever the result might be, you should accept it and promise to yourself that you’ll move forward. Prepare for the worse, and if it happens which I hope will not, don’t feel devastated, okay?

There are other things we should focus on. If these people can’t accept who you are, then it’s their lost. After all, they never truly loved you in first place if that’s the case.

**Mark Lee:** Wow

**NMH:** Thank you for listening to my TedTalk 🤣

My bad, that was a joke! But seriously, thank you for trusting me, Mark-ssi. 😁

Maybe you feel like I’m just throwing you honey-slicked words but no. These words genuinely came out from my heart.

Cheesy? I think not. You must have guts if you want people to believe in your words.

Heck, how would you even trust yourself if in the first place, you’re already escaping from your problems?

Ooops… My bad. This is the main reason my colleagues don’t want me to do this exciting virtual job, I’m so talkative!

**Mark Lee:** No no no

You can keep talking

Honestly

It makes me feel relieved

And happy, at the same time

This is my first time talking to someone I really don’t know since I lack confidence

Speaking of confidence

Can I proceed now?

**NMH:** Go on 😁

I’m still here, take your time!

**Mark Lee:** Thanks

So… The next thing is my unpredictable mind

I started to doubt myself when I was in senior high. I transferred to this private school so I don’t have much friends.

This really challenged my sanity, because it turns out that I’ll be having hell instead. Most of my classmates aren’t really trying hard and most of the time, they were just excess baggage ready to crush me.

Meaning, the pressure is always on me whenever we do group project.

This destroyed my self-confidence, and gone were those days when I was just happily doing my mundane things when I was still on my old school

I became a loner, and no one would even take me seriously

I finally had a friend, his name is Na Jaemin. We were both transferees from different public schools so we became really close

He’s openly bisexual which really helped me a lot. I learned a lot from him, and he taught me to become more accepting to myself

But that’s just a breather for me. From time to time, I suffered insomnia. It’s so hard for me to sleep, and I became so afraid on my surroundings.

One time I learned something from my Introduction to Psychology class. The lesson is about classical conditioning, if you know what I’m saying.

I became conditioned to loud noises. Whenever I hear a loud bang, or even a thunder, my heart won’t stop from banging against my chest.

I’m sorry if I’m just spilling random sentimental thoughts

Hey. Are you still there?

**NMH:** Yes, I’m still here!

Don’t worry, it’s all organized in my head 🤣 Trust your virtual psychologist for this one.

**Mark Lee:** Thanks again.

Back to my parents, they’re really tough to love. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, but it’s just that their actions are really bothering me I’m starting to lose hope

By the way this will be a shocker so don’t give me a shocked sticker or what

I’m actually a psychology major, a second year to be exact.

Surpriseeeee

**NMH:** REALLY

THAT’S SO GREAT OMO

SO SORRY I BECAME STARTLED FOR A WHILE

Please continue your story, Mark-ssi 😂

**Mark Lee:** Hahaha don’t mind it

Anyway

Remember when I mentioned about them being traditional? When I told them that I wanted to be a Psychologist, they said no.

I cried so hard and they told me that I was being impractical.

I can still remember their words at the back of my mind, _‘Psychology is an easy course. Your intelligence will just go on waste if you choose that course! Just take a difficult course instead!’_

I was like

The hell?

So supportive, mom and dad!

So yeah, I felt terrible

During SHS I forced myself to choose a different career path

At one point I was already convinced to myself that I’ll take Nursing instead

But fate really knows how to play its cards

While I was applying for university entrance exams, I couldn’t help myself but to pick the ‘BS Psychology’ course as one of my top three program choices.

Guess what, Donghyuk-ssi

Oh wait can I call you like that

**NMH:** Of cooouuurse

ABOUT THAT, TELL ME TELL ME!

**Mark Lee:** I’m starting to really feel better judging on how you reply 😁

Anyway, I applied to three schools

My dream school rejected me. My first choice back there was BS Molecular Biology and Biotechnology

Guess I’m not cut to be a genetic engineer hahaha

My second choice was the school where I studied SHS. Despite passing their extremely easy entrance exam, I didn’t enroll there

Besides their tuition fee is so untouchable so hard pass

This leaves my third choice which is a state university where I chose psychology as my first choice

I ended up there, obviously. There was no tuition fee, not even a penny so my parents didn’t have any choice but to let me study there

I was like

FUCK I WON

IT’S MY DREAM COURSE I’M NOT CRYING

The triumph does not last, however

When my former classmates asked me what course I took, they looked a bit disappointed

It saddens me, because why can’t they just accept my passion?

Did I really waste my _oh-so_ intelligence for such an ‘easy’ course?

My parents never said anything since then

They just let me do what I want

In exchange, I was too shy to even ask for extra cash for my miscellaneous needs

I don’t feel the support I needed, especially that I’ve worked so hard just to earn that position

I never want them to feel burdened courtesy of my studies, so why am I still feeling so sad?

Fast forward, I started to understand myself better when I started my class

Since then, I became open and knowledgeable about human behavior, yet at the same time, it caused my downfall

My parents tend to prejudice a lot of things they’ve seen on the television

There’s countless of things, so I won’t give an example

I wanted to correct them for their behavior, yet at the same time I knew to myself that they’ll never listen to me

Instead, they’ll just label me as an ‘entitled’ brat

I tried to confront them but it didn’t work so my hope on them had almost gone

This goes back to my problem about my sexuality. How can I even trust them that they’ll support and accept me for who am I if they’re as stubborn as a rock, unaccepting to change and keep on being blind?

I’m honestly tired of them, and I feel bad for saying this.

In other people’s perspective they might see me as an ungrateful son, but I think you get my point, right?

I told you, this is very goddamn confusing and random

Sorry, Donghyuk-ssi

**NMH:** You weren’t really kidding when you told me that this is gonna be long, huh?

It’s okay, though. I’ve encountered a lot of clients that has crazier issues than yours.

Just to be clear, I ain’t trying to label your problem as ‘weaker’ or ‘less-degrading’ than those of my past clients. What I’m trying to point is that I can calmly assess you and give you some pointers about your predicament.

I can actually relate to you, Mark-ssi. We all have this urge to correct others from their mistakes and normally, it does not end well.

Your case is a tough one, since you’re talking about your parents. Sometimes our parents can be really stubborn when it comes to the principles they firmly hold since I assume that these principles came from their parents--- or our grandparents, to be exact.

They have this mentality for us to be _like_ them. To exactly _act_ like them. To exactly _think_ like them.

Suffocating? Yes. After all, we’re a separate entity. No one has the right to dictate us on how we’ll act or how will serve the society we belong, but guidance is a must. Parents must _guide_ their children, not _control_ or even _strangle_ them.

You might be experiencing the latter but what would you do, Mark-ssi? You can try countless of things to resolve your conflict with them.

Unfortunately, I’m just a psychologist and not your conscience. Us who specialize in therapies do not have the power to influence the thinking of our clients.

The best thing that I can do for you is to guide you, just like what I pointed out about the roles of our parents in our lives.

Here me out. Rather than being labeled as an ‘advice’, this is my guidance instead.

Listen to what your heart is telling you to do. There’s no rush. You just have to be rational and chose the path you think you’ll be satisfied no matter what the result it.

If they disown you for correcting their mistakes and being bisexual, then so be it. At the end of the day, you’ll just wake up and will say to yourself, _‘I did the right thing. I have no regrets.’_

If they accept you for who you are and by some miracle, take your advice, then that’s even better.

Again, the decision will lie on you, Mark Lee. As a psychology major, I know that you’re well-aware on how our mind works.

Just keep on breathing, and if ever you feel manic episodes trying to destroy you, stabilize yourself by thinking about the things that make you happy.

I know this is very repetitive, but always be optimistic and never let your uncertainties devour you.

Remember this. Everyone makes mistakes, so don’t be so hard to yourself. As a future psychologist, promise to yourself that you’ll overcome all of your self-doubts and in return, will help other people who also needed psychiatric help.

Feeling better, Mark-ssi? 😁

**Mark Lee:** …

Wow

I am lost for words

Tbh, you made me tear up.

Thank you, Donghyuk-ssi. Thank you for listening to my pointless ramblings

It’s two in the morning yet you’re so helpful.

Thank you, truly. I mean it.

**NMH:** Don’t thank me.

Reserve your thanks to your future self. I’m sure you’ll be thankful to the future Mark once find the answers that you’re looking for.

Sometimes it’s okay to be lost in the woods. It helps us in finding ourselves, maybe even better.

Maybe you’ll still feel down after our talk, and even in the following weeks. But always remember, as long as you keep your feet planted on the ground, fear not for everything is possible.

**Mark Lee:** I’ll remember that.

During painful times, I won’t be afraid to cry anymore.

I promise to myself I’ll get stronger.

**NMH:** That’s the spirit.

May the heavens will guide you on your future endeavors. 😁

**Mark Lee:** You too, Donghyuk-ssi.

I genuinely enjoyed our talk.

Before I logout, can I ask you something?

**NMH:** Sure!

**Mark Lee:** Can I still message your page in the upcoming days?

You know, once I feel shitty again

**NMH:** Hell yes!

We are open 24/7 to those in need.

So feel free to message us!

Just a disclaimer though, you might encounter a different psychologist the next time you message this page.

**Mark Lee:** I’ll keep mind on that

Though I prefer you instead 😉

You’re fun to talk to

Also

Uh

Can I…

Can I have the NMH’s physical address?

You know… So that I can see you and thank you personally?

**NMH:** OH

The second and the last sentences aren’t really necessary, but I don’t mind seeing my clients 😉

You can see our contact details by clicking the ‘About’ button in our page.

Just a clue, our main office can be found within the capital itself. If you’re free, you can always physically visit us, also 24/7!

My shift is every Tuesdays to Saturdays, from ten in the evening up to six in the morning, though.

You’ll probably don’t see me during your visit.

Btw, this sounds so unprofessional >_<

I’m gonna delete the last strings of our conversation right after our talk!

**Mark Lee:** Oh trust me, I will 😉

Once again, thanks

Have a good night, Donghyuk-ssi.

I’ll see you soon.

**NMH:** You too!

Annyeong, sleep tight! ^_^

**_-Mark Lee is offline-_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Always love yourself, guys.


End file.
